After Pet Loss: The 10–10–10 Grief Perspective

After losing a pet who is so woven into your life and heart, it’s common to experience a severe separation distress that cannot easily be soothed. That separation after pet loss is brutal on your nervous, cognitive, and emotional systems. All at once. 

When you’ve spent any amount of time very bonded to another being, your attachment doesn’t just switch off. And a loss that profound results in major life changes.

Have you ever heard of the 3–3–3 theory for newly adopted pets? The idea is that, with so much change, it takes 3 days to decompress, 3 weeks to adapt to routine, and 3 months to even begin to feel adjusted. And even with this general guideline of what to look for, many pets experience some form of prolonged separation anxiety when adapting to their new life.

It’s easy to understand how adjusting takes time when something begins. But we don’t talk about adjustment nearly as much when something ends.

So I’ve been thinking about a different framework within this thought process, for pet loss grief. Not benchmarks or a timeline you’re supposed to measure your grief against. Just generalized expectations that you can take with a grain of salt.

Let’s call it the 10-10-10 perspective after pet loss – the first 10 days, 10 weeks, and 10 months after loss. This isn’t to say that all grief neatly fits into these boxes. But maybe it can help offer a glimpse into an experience that can be full of unknowns.

The First 10 Days – Shock and Survival

The days and weeks after losing your pet are surreal. It’s like losing a piece of you. Your body, mind, and heart don’t really know what to do with the absence. Being in survival mode and handling daily life obligations at the same time is overwhelming.

• Grief is shocking and disorienting
• It’s normal to still hear or see them
• There’s a distinct separation distress
• Despair, anger, and fear are normal
• You don’t feel like “yourself” at all
• Basic life things can be hard (eating, drinking, sleeping, etc) 
• You may feel shut down and numb

The First 10 Weeks – Rewiring

The gravity of loss can sink in even deeper during this time. There are ‘firsts’ everywhere and the constant state of swinging between grief and life is exhausting, but you’re doing it. From the outside, others might assume that everything is back to “normal”. In reality you may have barely thought about what comes next.

• Grief slowly becomes more familiar, but grief waves can intensify
• Longing and loneliness are profound
• New routines are slowly establishing, but they hurt
• There are good days, and they’re complicated
• Deep sadness remains 
• Other people assume you’re “better” 
• What-ifs and guilt may still be on repeat
• You might wonder if your deep grief is normal

The First 10 Months – Acclimation

Grief, although less shocking, is still very present in your life. There may be times when you can see how love and grief coexist and teach you things. After a love so deep, grieving is truly a long term journey. A common poetic quote is “you’ll always love, so you’ll always grieve”, and while that is completely true, you may also be realizing that grief changes, even when love stays the same.

• Grief continues to show up unexpectedly even in ordinary moments.
• You may be surprised by what still hurts so much.
• The intensity is different, but the depth remains.
• You miss who you were when they were here.
• Connection shifts from physical to internal, cognitive, or spiritual
• Exploring opening your heart again is common
• You’re understanding how healing is not forgetting

This 10-10-10 perspective for new grief isn’t a rule or formula, of course. Just like with newly adopted pets and their 3-3-3 guide, every journey is different, every person is different. Sometimes it’s just nice to have some words for what you might notice. 

Still, there is no surefire guide to adjusting to life after such a major loss. All we can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.