There are so many grief adjectives; normal, complicated, traumatic, delayed, disenfranchised (meaning dismissed by others as less significant). Along with these, is ambiguous grief — a complex type of grief that occurs when your pet is missing.
When a beloved pet family member is missing and there are no answers, no certainty, and no goodbye, their absence can leave you emotionally suspended. Caught between hope and heartbreak.
Immediate separation anxiety abruptly swoops in. You want to claw your way back in time for a redo of the circumstances. In the midst of deeply missing your pet’s presence and daily routines, your focus narrows to just one thing. Finding them.
Signs are made, social media scoured, often physically searching until you’re exhausted. You may not be ready to give up, yet you’re already grieving their absence. Hope for a reunion can mean pausing grief, sometimes for a while, leaving you with a complicated state of mind. Especially as time ticks by and uncertainty grows.
The longing may be like nothing you have ever experienced. Ambiguous loss is full of twists and turns, dark tunnels, and paths you have never been down. It’s enough to make you sick to your stomach.
My hope for this post is to validate four of the heaviest parts of ambiguous grief when your pet is missing and highlight four gentle strength builders to help you carry the weight.
The Absence of Certainty and the Need to Prepare for Different Outcomes
Living in a state of uncertainty about the well-being of someone who you love so much is torturous. Within the ache of unknowing, it’s normal for your mind to go to the darkest scenarios. Almost as though if you imagine the worst, it won’t be as bad if it gets here.
Typically, even in times of upheaval in life, you can rest your head at night knowing that the ones you love are safe. When your pet is missing, that piece of security is also missing.
Trying to stay positive can run parallel to fears of the outcome not being what you hope. Thoughts of finding your pet, of never finding them, along with the thought of finding them deceased, can leave you in a limbo that feels like a thousand daggers.
The Replay
Combing through every day, minute, and decision that may have changed the trajectory leading to your pet going missing is normal. Your mind needs things to make sense (even when they don’t) and can go into overdrive trying.
Replay, regrets, and guilt rarely bring much clarity however, just more confusion and exhaustion. The constant reply can feel traumatic and giving yourself intentional breaks from it is necessary (i.e. “I can’t think about that right now”… literally!)
Emotional Overload
Hope and grief. Deep sadness and positivity. Powerlessness and determination. Regret and grace. There are so many conflicting emotions that occur at the same time; it’s normal to not have the ability to carry them all at once.
These paradoxical cycles are clunking along throughout you, on a loop. Emotional overload can manifest as never-ending tears, intense anger, and even numbness.
As you contend with all the emotions, you may be in full search mode and trying to stay bravely focused on the mission of finding your pet. While you didn’t choose this emotional overload, you may be able to choose small times of the day where you tend to your emotions, and other times to give yourself a break from the intensity.
A Complicated Support System
When your pet is missing, all types of people and personalities can show up. The helpers, fixers, comforters, heroes, and sometimes, the downers. While there may be an abundance of caring people surrounding you, it’s also common for some to come with their own opinions, concerns, or even judgments they feel the need to express.
“Thank you for being here, but I don’t want to know what you think probably happened”, is something that you might find yourself wanting to say over and over.
In times of crisis, as well as in grief, there is a fine line between social support and being private. It’s a bit of a contradiction — all hands on deck can be a big help, but it’s also something very personal when a piece of your heart is missing. It’s ok to take in only what feels protective of your emotional state.
Tried and true coping mechanisms may not feel helpful in such a distressing time, so what can you do to get through each day?
Anchor Yourself in Love
Remind yourself that your strong bond has always been an anchor prior to this uncertainty and can still be. Say their name, keep a photo or touchstone of theirs in your pocket, hold on to toys or blankets. Talk to your pet.
Things that help you feel closest to them in absence are the things that help you feel grounded, even if just for short periods.
With emotional upheaval, self soothing with your touchstones and anchor-like items can feel much like you are garnering strength from your pet’s spirit. And strength is a critical part of coping.
Form Rituals To Continue Your Bond
When your pet goes missing, the abrupt void in your life and routine is disorienting. To get through the days, consider small new routines that not only keep you connected, but also focus on nurturing yourself.
Journaling, candle lighting, stretching to relieve tension, walking — anything that feels like it’s something you can do daily. These little things can help get you through the days when nothing feels normal.
Cultivate Your Support Circle Carefully
Continually surround yourself with people who let you feel what you feel without fixing or minimizing or trying their hardest to make you feel “better”. Whether it’s one trusted person, a grief group, or an online space — shared grief is lighter grief, even if it’s just slightly lighter.
Understand Long-term Ambiguous Grief
When your pet is missing and there’s no clear outcome, there can be lingering sorrow and despair. You grieve for what might happen while still waiting for what could happen. Finding a middle ground between grieving and hoping can be tricky and as time elapses, you may find the weight of grieving becoming heavier.
Remind yourself that within the confines of hope, you can also be grieving. It doesn’t make your hope weaker or your grief less heartbreaking.
Hope can even shift to thoughts like, maybe they are safe with someone else or hope that they did not suffer if they have already passed. These are some of the complicated, mind altering facets of your pet going missing.
If hope begins to fade in the days and weeks after your pet goes missing, know that a shift doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them. The need to grieve and mourn is a natural response to prolonged uncertainty, emotional fatigue, and feeling untethered.
Needless to say, if your pet has gone missing it may be the most trying and emotional time of your life. As cliché as it sounds, whether in hope or grief, you can only take it moment by moment. Anything beyond that can feel like asking too much of an already exhausted heart.
