There’s never a time when you feel “ready” for your beloved pet to not be here. It’s always painfully hard. But what if you didn’t even get to say goodbye? 

If your pet passed while you weren’t present with them, the heavy layer of pain smothered on top of grief is oppressive. The constant weight of wondering what their last moments were like fills every ounce of your being. Your mind goes into overdrive: How could this have happened? What could I have done differently? Did they know I loved them even though I wasn’t there to say it? 

It’s a recipe for guilt, rumination, and anxiety. 

Whether it was an accident, illness, hospitalization or completely out of the blue, not being present for your pet’s transition is the opposite of everything you’d hope for an end of life experience. 

Even if you had never remotely thought about what the end of life experience would be, it definitely would not include being apart. 

How do you deal with it? How can you possibly stop being haunted by the lack of a proper goodbye? Needless to say, it’s not easy. It’s one of the instances in grief where I think time does help.

While I’m not a believer of time healing all wounds, I do think it can often soften pain. As grief evolves (and fair to say, this doesn’t happen quickly), you begin to be able to recall the happier memories, the love you’ve shared and things that make you smile, a bit easier than the painful parts.

But what can you do before time does it’s thing?

Have a Memorial or Remembrance Vigil

You may not have had the chance to give your precious pet a goodbye that you planned for, but you can still give them a beautiful memorial. 

This doesn’t have to be an elaborate, invitations sent, program made type of service. Although it can be! 

A memorial can look like anything that is meaningful to you. It can be just you in a place where you feel particularly close with your pet. Or it could include family or friends. It could even be virtual. 

This is your opportunity to give your beloved a proper goodbye, honoring the life and love that you have shared. 

Some brainstorming ideas:

• Choose music that is meaningful to you
• Have refreshments inspired by foods your pet loved
• Take photos or a video of the place you chose 
• Make a photo collage of your pet
• Collect a few things from your special place to keep (like sand/shells from the beach or leaves or rocks from a wooded area or trail)
• Print a meaningful reading or two to read aloud
• Eco friendly gestures, like a candlelight vigil, blowing bubbles, water lantern release, scattering wildflower seeds, or floating flowers in the water
• Write a eulogy or a reflection piece explaining why you want to be sure they have this beautiful goodbye

Having some form of a memorial is a very ceremonial way of actively giving your sweet one the goodbye you would want them to have. It’s something that you can feel like you have control over, in a time that feels so uncontrollable. 

A way for you to begin absorbing what’s happened and give yourself the opportunity to properly say goodbye.

Write a Letter To Your Loved One

Even if you’re not someone who normally writes or journals, letter writing in grief can be very therapeutic. 

Maybe even more so when you’re facing a loss this significant, where you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Even though we don’t use spoken language to communicate with pets, when things feel left unsaid, uneasy feelings can linger and eat away at you.

To try to close the gap on things you feel like you didn’t get to say, writing a letter to your pet is a way to put structure to your thoughts. You’ve spent all your days talking to your pet, so writing to them can feel normal and natural.

Tell your cherished pet everything you didn’t get to say. How would you have planned their transition, had it been possible to do so? What are the things you would’ve said to them in the quiet moments? What would you thank them for?

If you feel like you need to, tell them you’re sorry. Ask for forgiveness. 

Maybe this is a one-off letter, maybe it’s something you find yourself doing more regularly.

Writing can provide a very private way to express inner anguish and help work through this complicated, traumatic part of your grief journey.

Curate a keepsake or create a tribute in their honor

Largely about controlling your controllables, when something happens that makes you feel powerless, it’s important to regain some semblance of control.

These are tangible things you can create, do, or have made that embody the distinctly individual and amazing little being that your furbaby has always been.

Will this fill the void of not having a proper goodbye? Not exactly. But honoring rituals do help. This is how we begin to practice remembering the parts of life we want to and not only remembering how they passed. 

This can take repetition and practice, which is why choosing something meaningful that may need your attention for a while, is wise. 

Maybe you buy a second-hand accent table and refinish it and that’s what will showcase your memorial items. 

It could be commissioning an art piece or (a favorite of mine), a felted wool miniature replica of your pet. You could have a memorial stone engraved with a customized photo or quote. 

There is even apparel that you can get now that has their likeness and name embroidered. 

These are a great example of delving into a project that you DO have a say in and you CAN control. 

The loss of one of the greatest loves of your life changes your world. Not having the opportunity to say goodbye changes you. But what it doesn’t change is the love story that occurred before that fateful day. Nothing is robbing you of that. 

Although the day that separated you and your pet physically is seared into your heart, it’s not more important than all the days you had before that.