The beginning of pet loss is often surprisingly more unbearable than you imagine. Even when you think you know what to expect or feel as prepared as you can be, pet loss grief can really take you out. 

The overload of emotion, isolation, and deep sadness is shocking. 

Knowing what to expect can at least offer validation that you’re not crazy, your grief is normal, and that grief is not a short experience. It truly does take time and care.

Remember, too, that everyone’s journey is as unique as your fingerprint. This isn’t a map for grief. This isn’t about stages. This is simply a list of things you might experience, and proof of why pet loss grief feels like ten kettlebells are sitting on top of you.

Numbness

It almost seems like an oxymoron because the pain is so palpable. The tears, so real. But your brain and body go into work mode and do the thing that protects you from feeling every single ounce of the pain 24/7. 

The hard part about numbness is that it does its job so well that you might not realize it was there until it starts to wear off. 

Suddenly, maybe three or four weeks into your journey, you feel worse than ever. It almost makes you lose hope you could ever feel anything other than the pain because it seems like it’s just getting worse. 

Numbness can stick around for a while, but not forever and as the saying goes, we have to feel to heal. Even though you probably want to run from all of the emotions, embracing them is a kinder way to approach your grief.

Disorientation

When the world is upside down and backwards, disorienting is really the only word that could describe it. 

Life is rearranged. Your most comforting support is no longer here. The world thinks you should get back to normal. Your family and other pets still need care. You need care. 

Meanwhile, it’s like someone plucked you off Earth and dropped you on a different planet. 

Grief brain can last a while while you are figuring out this new landscape of life. When people say “give yourself grace”, this is probably where it applies the most. 

Fear and Anxiety

Human beings really do excel at the work of worry and anxiety. Cherished pet family members become such a big part of your identity, your daily routine, your support system and your self care. 

It can be really scary to think that something that made you feel so complete, is gone. Becoming the person you are with someone so special right by your side, creates a special bond. 

And the purpose they give you each and every day, so fulfilling. It’s normal to fear what life looks like without that adorable purpose. Without that same bond and having them here. 

Exhaustion

Between actually not getting good sleep, crying, and trying to function when you have to, pet loss grief is exhausting. Draining. Depleting. 

The mental exhaustion of putting a mask on daily to tend to life’s obligations is probably the most draining part. And although I think taking breaks from the overwhelm is so important, the pendulum of pretending to be okay and actually not being okay is a heavy weight to carry. 

It’s important to keep an eye on your wellness meter here. Are you actually drinking enough and eating enough nutritious food? Are you finding small moments of comfort, like a hot shower or getting some sun?

Your cup likely won’t be full for a while, but it can’t be empty. Having a short go-to list of things that feel good (or at least better than bad) can be very helpful. 

Physical Manifestations

Tired. Achy. Headaches. Not hungry (or hungry all the time). Dehydrated. Breaks outs. Clenched jaw. 

Grief can present itself in such a physical way that it’s almost annoying. But a testament to how pet loss grief affects not just emotional health, but physical health too. 

Taking care of some of the basics like having easy to make/eat foods available, having water bottles at the ready and not skipping hygiene routines will help. 

But one thing that just takes time? The feeling that someone punched you in the heart. The actual physical pain in your chest. It’s so hard to explain this to people that I think often we don’t even try. Instead, just feel the pain knowing that it’s the love that is still all there, but not sure where to go now.

Replay, Guilt, Regret

And so it begins. Replay, guilt, and regret tend to stick around way longer than they’d ever be welcome. 

Replay is normal. It’s human nature to need to go back before we go forward. But it’s not quite that simple, especially in pet loss grief. 

Guilt creeps in. Regrets take center stage. Did I miss something? Did I do enough? This was my fault. I should’ve known. 

All the things that make you feel like crap. They ruminate, they breed, and the guilt and regret can really grow. It’s normal.

Is it easy to combat? Not so much. But it can be done. Practicing an inner kind voice from the start of your pet loss grief journey becomes a crucial tool. Even if right now, you don’t believe it. Once a day try speaking to yourself like you would your best friend instead of beating yourself up. 

Longing

If longing could easily be described, maybe more people would understand. The intense yearning to want your furbaby back, to want this all to be a bad dream and go back to the life that was safe, loving and normal is as close as I can personally describe it. 

When you long for something so deeply and also know the finality of death, it’s like hitting a brick wall at 100 mph, over and over. 

Maybe one of the most prevalent emotions in the beginning of grief, longing isn’t something that you can really ward off. Time softens it a bit. The surrealness of grief starts to wane and longing morphs into plain old deep sadness. 

The non-negotiable of grief. Rightfully so; it is sad. 

Grief is a Time Warp

Suddenly it’s a week, and you realize you’ve lived on the Earth for a week without your most cherished companion. How’s that even possible? Then it’s been two weeks and yet it still feels like yesterday. 

When a month rolls around it’s almost shocking that time moves even though your world has come to a complete halt.

This keeps happening throughout the journey of grief. Time is weird. 

It can feel annoying, scary, and unfair that time goes by and they’re not here. 

Disconnection

When your beloved pet has passed a huge part of your identity goes MIA. This can lead to feeling disconnected from damn near everything. 

Family, friends, work, school, hobbies, other pets. It can be isolating and confusing. 

Try to remind yourself gently that a big piece of who you are is because of the time you had with your pet. 

That big question of, “Who am I now?”, can ultimately feel a little easier to digest when you know they’ve shaped you and given you a lot of tools to be you and to do life. 

The connections will begin firing again in other parts of your life, I promise. There is even the hope of new connections some day.

Society and Pet Loss Grief Illiteracy

Society at large is not good at supporting grievers, especially when it comes to pet loss grief. I think there are three subsets of people here. 

Those who will never understand that losing a furry member of your family is just like losing any member of your family. That grief takes time and you’re not “ok” just because you had a lot of years together or because you gave them a great life. 

Then there are people who know what your pet meant in your life and respect that. The people who know that going through this will be tough for you and do truly care.

The tricky part is that even caring people don’t really do well with sadness, especially prolonged sadness. 

It feels hurtful and surprising when the people who really know you come out with, “you’re still sad?” after a month or two. These tend to be the people who really want to genuinely help, but they think helping is suggesting you get another pet.

They want their advice to be the cure for your grief and often want to be the hero that suggested it. 

And then, harder to find, is your grief people. Find your grief person or people. That circle will be small. These are people who respect that grief is not an event, but a process you must work through.

Maybe they are on the journey too and you can walk the walk together. The people who don’t want to ‘fix you’, but recognize that you’re not a broken person, you’re a person with a broken heart. 

You probably noticed that this post isn’t about “how to survive”, but about what you’re going to need to survive through. 

Your grief is normal. Your pain is real and seen. You are not meant to have all the answers today or tomorrow. 

In the beginning, just survive. Hour by hour, day by day.