Sometimes guilt isn’t just a feeling, it’s a more insidious bully. One that is vindictive and stealthy. Grief and guilt may actually begin gaslighting you after pet loss. Twisting memories, making you doubt your love and choices, questioning things you know to be true, and even making you think you’ve failed or are grieving wrong.
Guilt tries to convince you that if you can’t control what happened, at least you can control how hard you are on yourself. Gaslighting is manipulation and emotional distortion. When other people do this to you, it’s considered abusive. But what about when your own psyche is doing it to you?
What Does Gaslighting After Pet Loss Sound Like?
Gaslighting has become a common way to name and identify behaviors that are manipulative and that you should instinctively stay away from. But it might not be easily recognizable when it’s you doing it to you.
Do any of these sound familiar?
- “My pet had a confused look in their eyes when saying goodbye. I failed them at a time where I was supposed to protect them.”
- “I chose to schedule euthanasia, chose to end their life. Now, I can’t stop thinking that I am the literal reason they’re gone.”
- “My pet was sick but part of me still thinks I gave up too soon. Or maybe not soon enough. Either way, I messed it up.”
- “Everyone tells me I was a great pet parent, but they don’t know all the ways I was terrible or failed.”
- “Other people go through this and seem to handle it better. Maybe I’m just too emotional or weak.”
If any version of this sounds familiar, like your inner voice, it might be time to step back and reflect on self-gaslighting and that it’s just as harmful to your mental health as someone else doing it to you.
Why Would I Gaslight Myself?
Gaslighting is about control and power – making someone feel small, unsure of themselves, and dependent. When you and your personal grief gaslight you, it’s largely about the same things.
When grief feels powerless, you have the power to punish someone…yourself. Of all the days of your life you spent with your pet, your mind can keep you in the small space their illness and end of life experience fits in.
You can become dependent on making yourself feel terrible because grief evolving can feel equally as terrible. Self-gaslighting can prevent peace in grief.
So How Do I Stop Doing It?
How do you metaphorically put the fire out on self-gaslighting? Not surprisingly there isn’t an easy answer. But there is something you can think about that at least makes sense.
Interrupting it. Break the loop.
See it: Spot self-gaslighting when it happens. Take a moment to think, “Oh, ok. I hear how that sounds like gaslighting myself.” Practice seeing this gaslighting voice separately from your true inner voice.
Flip it: If a friend said this about themselves, would it be easier to recognize how gaslighting isn’t fair or kind?
Truth test it: Are the things that ruminate in your mind actually true or just grief being brutal? Ask yourself, “Are these facts or are they feelings and a narrative I’ve created that grew legs?”
A Note On Others Gaslighting You After Pet Loss
It can definitely be more obvious to spot gaslighting from other people, and clearly see that it’s hurtful. Gaslighting from others can sound like:
- “At least it wasn’t a person who died.”
- “I think you’re being a little too emotional about this.”
- “You did what you had to, so why are you so upset?”
- “You’re making this harder than it has to be.”
I could go on and on with that list, but I won’t. I just want to reference it here because when it’s easy to see how mean gaslighting is coming from others, it might help muster up some compassion for yourself if it’s also coming from you.
After pet loss, guilt can creep in through your vulnerabilities in many ways. When you can expose the gaslighting for what it is, you start reclaiming things guilt hates – confidence, compassion, and your truth.
READ MORE FROM THE GRIEF AND GUILT SERIES
