Pet loss is complicated and grievers often find themselves burdened by guilt. Why is that and what can you do to begin easing the weight of guilt?
We know guilt is a bully and it latches on to vulnerabilities and pain. Someone you love has died. Whether from age, illness, accident or otherwise, it feels powerless. Powerlessness is a hugely painful vulnerability.
Untethered, you’re left in a world that is infinitely more dull than when they were here.
The brain doing brain things, quickly does the job of finding something it can control. Enter guilt, regret, and how bad you feel about yourself.
You replay everything. Days, weeks, months, even years. What was missed or could have been done better. How could death have been avoided?
Replay is normal. It’s human nature to need to process things that have now happened, in order to even consider moving forward.
Linked hand in hand with replay is hindsight and the bias that damn near convinces you that you should have been able to know everything, predict it before it happened and act accordingly to stave off death.
But nowhere in that replay did you have a crystal ball, so that story doesn’t really track.
Guilt revolves and sticks around. If I’m being honest, it’s pretty annoying and hinders grieving with a pure heart — something you deserve.
So, can you beat the bully into submission? It’s possible, but it takes intention. While it doesn’t happen overnight, it does happen.
Talk about it. Expose it. Give guilt less power
Guilt and shame thrive on secrecy. Finding healthy spaces to talk about it is crucial. A trusted friend or family member, a support group, a therapist or coach, your journal. Talking about it in some way is the best way to start easing the weight of guilt.
Healthy spaces are the key here. Someone who is listening to hear you, not just reply. When you expose a bully, you want someone to witness that. Not simply tell you how you should make nice with it and remind you what a great person you are.
Choose your safe people wisely. The wrong person or space could force the guilt back into isolation to fester.
This is the start to easing up on yourself. Give yourself the exact same amount of compassion you would give your best friend.
Write about it
Seems like the idea of “working at grief” is always present. When struggling with guilt and regrets while you grieve, writing can be really therapeutic.
If journaling isn’t genrally your thing, it doesn’t need to be a long term commitment. But no safer space to expose guilt than to something that isn’t going to say anything back.
You can find a great writing exercise for guilt and regret in my Grief and Guilt Reflections Worksheet.
Expose your guilt (things you knew were wrong when you were doing them). Uncover regret (things you’d do differently now that you can look back). And (*required*!) reflect with pride on everything right you’ve done as a pet parent.
I’m betting money that the pride column is far longer than the others.
Being compassionate with yourself isn’t always easy; sometimes we get rusty at it. It requires patience and an open mind.
Get to work on your active mourning
Guilt can be so heavy that it’s paralyzing. Give yourself a little push to the other side of grieving. The side where connection and love lives. Where you’re cultivating what it all looks like now.
Active mourning forces your mind to focus on something else. It organically gives you a chance to start thinking about other things for longer and longer periods of time.
And bonus, while you get a break from guilt, you’re doing things to honor and remember your furbaby.
Active mourning can look like anything from big outward expressions to going to your favorite quiet place to feel close. It could be ordering Starbucks under your pet’s name, shopping for memorial jewelry or creating art. It’s anything that takes more effort than none.
Own it and file it
No one is talking you out of guilt or regret. There are things that can help, of course. We’re talking about them here. But ultimately, these are your feelings and experiences. You own them.
If I could get you to remember one thing, it’s this. You do have control over your mind. Might not always feel like it. But you do.
Understanding your type of guilt and then finding smart ways to combat it, shows your mind that you’re in the lead. Not the bully.
Deciding that you want to file the guilt and regret away is a huge step. Is it always going to be there? To an extent, it is. But what you deserve is to evict it from the penthouse in your mind so you can grieve with your heart.
Guilt can go live in a dusty old box in the basement.
