Anticipatory pet loss is like living in a sea of constant rocky waters. Grief is just under the surface, but not quite there yet. Between taking care of your pet and remaining present in the here and now, you can’t actually mourn. 

After all, your beloved family member is still here with you.

Knowing that you’ll soon be faced with farewell and living in a changed world, can be extremely overwhelming. How can you survive this sometimes torturous time when you’ve got life obligations, your pet and grief all vying for your attention? 

Arming yourself with tips and tools in your toolbox is essential. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. Adapt them to suit your unique journey and needs.

It’s ok to pause other things in life 

Needless to say, life gets in the way sometimes. There are so many obligations and only so many hours in a day. When you’re in deep anticipatory grief, lowering your obligation burden as much as possible can make days, weeks, and months just slightly less heavy. 

There will be things in your life that are non-negotiables. Your job, your other pets, groceries. Identifying what is negotiable and how you can potentially pause or reduce your commitments is the goal. 

Fair to note that it’s human nature to not want to inconvenience others or disappoint them, but it’s so important to remember this one thing – Don’t put other people’s feelings above your needs. 

It is not selfish to put you and your pet first. 

Avoid over-thinking about what it will be like to live without your pet. It won’t make it easier

Humans excel at the work of worry. Yes, anticipatory grief will ultimately lead to grief with no prefix. But there will be time for grief when it gets here. 

It takes a lot of intention and practice to not sit too long with fear.

Right now, you have today. You have each other. Worry and anxiety are not protective and won’t shield you from the pain of grief. You can figure it out when you get there. 

Make an end of life plan…and a backup plan

There is such a sense of powerlessness when dealing with illness and watching someone you love start to decline in health. 

In an effort to control your controllables, make an end of life plan for your pet. Think of what would be the most beautiful, perfect transition and make that plan as close as possible. And then, make a backup plan.

You simply can not always predict everything and if plan A goes awry, you still want to feel like you’re in the driver’s seat. 

If your ultimate plan is having a veterinarian come to your home, your secondary plan might be knowing what comforts and pieces of home you’ll take if you end up having to go to a clinic. 

The backup plan can be beautiful too. 

Do things, or do nothing 

You may want to write a bucket list and get started on it ASAP. Or, you may want to lay in bed, spoon with your pet and watch movies non stop. 

There’s room for both. 

Humans lean towards wanting to fill the end of life with a lot of experiences and adventures. Sometimes that’s not possible, especially if your pet isn’t feeling themselves. The end of life doesn’t always have to be about big elaborate expeditions out in the world. 

It can be about the quiet times and how it feels for hearts to be close, to look into each other’s eyes and committing the feel of their fur on your palm to memory. 

Do things. Or do nothing. Compromise and consider an at home bucket list. What matters is that you and your pet enjoy this time together in a way that represents the love story you share. 

Think about things you might want to do while you’re grieving 

This is different than the fear of post-farewell life. This is another instance where planning can feel like an ounce of control. The time will come when you’re pet is not physically here. Having a few special ideas to start with of how you’d like to honor and remember them can fill a smidge of the empty void you’re floating in.

You might know you want to get artwork made with their paw print so taking a photo of their paws (and nose and eyelashes) is a great start. Maybe you want to collect some fur or know you’d like to have jewelry made. You may want to plant something to nurture, so you could start researching the type of tree or garden or flowers. 

Ultimately having a grief project and something to focus on feels like a productive way to honor your pet. In large part, it’s the start of cultivating what love looks like perpetually.

Get in front of the camera, and not just in a selfie. But selfies are good too

Photos are a treasure and you probably have thousands on your phone. Get yourself in front of the camera for a few. It can be hard if you’re not a picture person, but these aren’t for anyone else. They’re for you. 

Consider reaching out to a photographer or find one through The Tilly Project, which is dedicated to end-of-life photography experiences. Create beautiful photo memories of and with your pet. 

Of course, finding or scheduling a photography session might not work depending on your circumstances. 

Your phone will do. Prop it up or use a phone tripod, potentially enlist a friend to help. Capture images of you and your loved one. The Tilly Project website has amazing photography resources for poses and prompts as well. 

There may be tears, there may be laughs, you might not love being in the picture. But I promise you, you’ll be glad you have these. 

Know your benchmarks and use them as a guide

There are many Quality of Life scales you can find online that can be so helpful. But also have your own benchmarks. Make a list. What is important to you and your pet for a quality existence. 

This may be an ever evolving list. Knowing this list was made when you had a clear head and time to think, is reassuring.

For me, my dog had bounced back from his illness too many times to count. At some point I knew that I would need to see a few days of ‘not bouncing back’ for my brain to register and understand that the time was here. 

Many people say, “a day too soon is better than a minute too late”. Sometimes that is much easier to say than to live through. 

Realize the “right” time might not always be a big ah-ha moment

“You’ll know when it’s the right time”. People love to say that too. 

Typically when something feels “right” for humans, it’s associated with a good feeling. Taking the right job, being in the right relationship, eating the right foods, buying the right car. 

That good feeling does not happen when you’re deciding about a precious family member’s end of life. 

Might you feel confident in your decision? Yes. Feel like they gave you the look? Maybe. But feel “right”? That seems elusive. 

One thing is for sure. This will be the hardest right decision you’ll ever make. 

Though anticipatory pet loss grief can be excruciating, there can also be reverence in being someone’s person who walks with them through the final transition of life. Slow down, breathe, choose presence. 

Grief is a rollar coaster ride. You don’t know what’s next, so all you can do is your best. And your best is always good enough.