Pet parents feel grief in many ways after losing a cherished pet. Their companionship, love, and even their silliness leave a deep void after pet loss. But one often overlooked aspect of grief is the loss of physical touch.
Touch is argued by many to be our most important sense. The sense that would have serious emotional and cognitive repercussions if we were to live without. Touch is so deeply ingrained into life and instrumental to our well-being, we may not even realize its significance until it’s gone.
Experiencing even small physical connections (a shoulder pat, stroke of our hair) releases feel-good hormones into the body. In the world of loving animals, touch becomes such a huge part of our bond and connection. All the love hormones make your heart almost explode.
The Power of Touch Through Our Bond With Pets
Unlike people, pets are not complicated and therefore our relationships with them are easier, safer, and sometimes even more fulfilling. In fact, our pets can offer things that people can’t; unwavering acceptance, love with no conditions, and a physical presence that is without complexity.
After pet loss, the sudden lack of touch can lead to loneliness, depression, and anxiety. A testament to that was seen during Covid. People who were home with their pets felt continued connections. Though the world itself was distancing and touching others was discouraged, our connections with our pets remained steadfast.
Covid — yet another challenging time in life, where pets got us through, in a deeply profound way.
Even for individuals who have complex feelings or responses to touch from another person, due to human experiences or trauma, touch from a pet can be safe and calming.
One unique layer of how touch is a part of the human-animal bond, is that touch from a pet can really happen anywhere on your body. It’s not unusual for there to be a soft nudge on your calf, a paw on your cheek, the weight of a big head on your knee, or a consistent weight on your lap.
It’s not just about petting them, or the softness of fur – it’s the physical connection they give us back. Sometimes it’s gentle, sometimes it knocks you over. Either way, it’s irreplaceable.
Touch Deprivation After Pet Loss
With grief felt so much in our body, it’s easy to see that the effects of affection deprivation manifest both physically and mentally.
The absence of physical contact often results in long lasting sadness, irritability, and upheaval of the nervous system. Trouble getting rejuvenating sleep and difficulty concentrating are common as well. It’s all part of the separation anxiety of grief.
Grief after pet loss can be disorienting and this absence of familiar physicalness plays a part in that. It adds a heavy layer to the grieving process. Studies of human touch deprivation often refer to this as ‘touch starvation.’ The word starvation really helps articulate the intense need for physical connection.
(Ironically, I can’t find nearly any articles on the study of touch deprivation that don’t suggest “getting a pet” as a way to cope. 😢 So, here we are.)
It is not uncommon to even sense you’re still feeling some of the physical connections you’ve shared with your pet. The weight of them next to you in bed, a soft brush against your leg, or a tug on your wrist if that’s how you held the leash. These are all examples of experiencing phantom sensations.
These experiences can almost make you feel like grief is driving you crazy. But trust me, you’re not crazy and this is all normal. It’s proof of your bond and deep connection. Grief doesn’t end that.
How to Cope?
There are ways to soothe touch deprivation after pet loss, especially if you don’t have another pet or other family members at home. It’s also worth acknowledging that this might be one reason some pet parents grapple with the decision to bring a new love into their lives. Not to replace the love of the pet they’ve lost, but rather to fulfill the need for physical closeness and connection.
Finding small ways to reconnect with touch again is important. This isn’t about searching for the same feeling your pet brought you, it’s about navigating this one part of grief, one step at a time.
Weighted items, like a blanket, lap pad, or stuffed toy.
These tools can mimic a hug or the feel of their presence. You can cover yourself, your lap, or feet, or curl up at night to help your mind fill the physical void after loss. Weighted items are a very helpful tool to begin reducing anxiety and feel calmer.
Exercise
Reconnecting with your physical self can also help decrease anxiety. Joining a gym, trying YouTube exercise videos, taking a daily walk, or regular stretching can all help with feeling in touch with your body. People often find yoga therapeutic in grief, as it combines gentle movements and mindfulness throughout your body.
Give yourself a massage – foot, hand, head, and heart
Self massage can stimulate nerves and create the familiar feeling of touch. It can help you feel calm and more relaxed. Even simple, deep breathing and putting your hands over your heart with gentle pressure can release those feel-good hormones that we’re missing after pet loss.
Volunteer at a local shelter
If ‘fur deprivation’ is what you’re feeling the most, getting some meaningful exposure to other furry creatures might do the trick. When you’re ready. Spending time with other pets can help you feel less lonely and give you purpose knowing that you are fulfilling their touch needs as well.
Pet loss leaves a deep void on many levels. The absence of your pet’s physical presence and comforting touch is such a heartache. Seeking comfort for your mind and body will not replace what you’ve lost. But it can help you slowly adjust.
Grief is more than your heart and mind longing, your senses are longing for what is missing, too. No part of grief is easy. Finding ways to continue to nurture your senses, especially touch, can offer glimmers of hope for healing.
