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Most people in acute grief, brace themselves for big changes and a lot of “firsts” without their loved one. Pets are so ingrained into our lives, it’s not surprising that we deeply dread those firsts. There’s anxiety anticipating the reality of times they’ve been such a big part of, like holidays, birthdays, annual trips, even exercising. The list could go on and on.
But, what about the small things? The everyday firsts. The things that never really enter your mind until they happen. The micro losses.
What is a micro loss? It’s one of those things that seem so insignificant while someone is here and when everything is status quo. Things as normal as leaves on the trees, that you kind of take for granted without even knowing it.
And then it happens. Grief rolls in and the micro losses shuffle in behind. It seems like multiple times a day your breath is taken away. Time freezes in that moment and grief slaps you in the face.
Micro losses make grief feel like loss after loss, after loss. As an example, I’ll list a fraction of some of the micro losses I can think of off the top of my head…
- It’s bedtime but there is no one to say, “you wanna go to bed?!” exuberantly to
- Not having to carry someone up and down the stairs
- Vacuuming and realizing there won’t be more of that color fur
- Going out and not having to rush back home
- Seeing strawberries in the grocery store and realize your dog isn’t here to enjoy them
- Going to the bathroom by yourself
- An empty spot of sunshine with no one lying in it
- No one being in the way when you cook
- Thunderstorms when you don’t have to worry if they’re scared
- Driving by yourself
- Water evaporated out of their bowl and you don’t have to refill it
- The vet’s online store sends a sale email
- Wondering at the end of the month why you have extra money
- A snack bag crinkle or dropped crumb that goes unnoticed
- Medication time and the alarm that reminds you on your phone
This list is influenced by my personal experience with loss. But inventorying micro losses is a tough yet good exercise in grief. A gentle, visual reminder that so much has changed, can be a prelude to being more compassionate with yourself.
So how do pet parents cope with and survive these micro losses? There is no magic potion and sometimes it’s literally just – take a deep breath, embrace the sadness, and keep going. Behind the scenes, your brain needs to absorb these micro losses; it’s how the grief slowly gets processed.
But maybe there are a few ways we can actively work on softening the small losses just a teeny bit.
Have a linking or comfort object always close
Over the years, the importance of linking objects has been cemented for me. It might be your pet’s favorite toy or blanket. It might be their collar. It might be something you purchase. It might be cremation jewelry, a necklace with a charm of their first initial or a ring with their birthstone. Anything that represents your furbaby in a distinct way.
Most importantly, something that can be physically held or touched by you.
One item I have and treasure, is a small stone with Ace’s name engraved. It can go with me everywhere, and it can be something to hold tightly onto when I’m feeling untethered. This little metal stone brings me so much strength and comfort just by being in my hand.
Why do things like this help? In a word filled with losses, big and small, it’s a way to actively remember that not all will be lost. Grief can sort of feel like that. Like it’s all slipping away. Remember though; love remains. Connection remains.
With so many losses hitting you, having other tangible, touchable things that are not going anywhere feels really reassuring.
Write
It’ll be said and talked about probably thousands of times in grief. Journaling is a good idea. But when it hasn’t been a habit throughout your life, it can feel awkward and hard.
If you want to give it a go, but aren’t sure where to start, buy a 365 page journal off Amazon (yes, this is a thing). Try to gently commit to writing as many days as you can this year. Document not just about grief itself but about the micro losses, by putting structure and words to them. It can help validate these losses and also help notice when they start to slow down.
Journaling should feel like something to look forward to, not dread. So it’s really important to make it appealing to the type of person you are.
A few of my favorite journals:
Pick a grief project
Might sound like a lot to think about. Especially when grief has taken so much of your energy already. But having a project that is ongoing, that you know is there if you want to work on it, that honors your pet and the love you share is a really positive tool in grief. Some random grief project ideas?
- Do something with photos, like an album, a curated Instagram page that you can continue to add to (maybe even come up with a hashtag), a digital frame that you can add years of memories that live in your phone to
- Design a memorial spot in your home
- Buy a vintage piece of furniture and refinish it as part of a memorial
- Build a garden area
- Buy a flowering plant to nurture
- Paint rocks for walks and leave them for people to find
- Take a pottery class and make something meaningful
- Redo a room in your home and freshen up the decor with things that remind you of your furbaby or even with unique artwork created of them
- Create one or more Morse Code Bracelets
- Organize an event, or something fun that honors your pet. Possibly a pet blanket or food drive and include your furbaby’s photo on flyers or their name in a catchy event title
There are major benefits to all types of memorial items and honoring rituals, but a grief project is a great extension of that. Like linking objects, when there are multiple losses within grief, having a project that is consistent and that requires thought and focus can start to balance the scales of love and loss.
From the big, in your face losses to the everyday micro losses, pet loss can feel like constant waves of sorrow. Keeping your connection with your pet close and visible can help lessen the intense pain. Grief is work and the work can be hard. But, we can survive through hard things.
