I understand the logic and reasoning behind all the catchy expressions, grief clichés and quick one-liners in. I also get that others, as well as ourselves, mean no harm by these go-to phrases.
Well known expressions are not only easy for people to say and feel like they’re being supportive, but they can provide grievers something to aim for and can offer glimmers of hope. And hope is really important to hold on to.
But there are a few of these catchphrases that activate something inside of me and force a reframing of the expression, instead of tossing it out the window completely.
What I make sure to do is have a good replacement expression. A variation of the not-so-great one. One that makes more sense to my brain and can remain evergreen in grief. Since, ya know, grief doesn’t end, it just changes.
‘New normal’
Right out of the gate, from the first time I ever experienced deep, painful loss, ‘new normal’ has always evaded me. Over the years, I’ve given it a lot of thought. When a loss has rearranged your world and changed the essence of who you are, can anything ever truly seem normal again?
Not to say that life doesn’t seem to ‘get back to normal’ through the rest of the world’s eyes. But I don’t see my world through others’ eyes; I see it through my own. From this vantage point and in my mind, normal feels like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It’s not happening.
Constantly trying to feel normal again or searching and waiting for this elusive ‘new normal’ translates into a lot of pressure and feeling like I’m never succeeding in grief. Whatever that looks like.
My alternative? I choose to look at it as a ‘new everyday.’ Our everyday routine, our likes, needs, and things that make us smile can and do return. But they’re different, and that’s okay. Dropping the word ‘normal’ acknowledges that I’m not going to be the me that was normal before grief.
‘Self Care’
This expression lurks around every corner these days. Everyone says it, everyone writes about it, and everyone thinks it should be super important. The thing is, I completely agree. Self-care is important. Present day you caring for your mind and body ensures that future you will thrive again.
The connotation of the term self-care while grieving is what I often struggle with, especially early on. It feels like it’s supposed to be elaborate, something special, a treat. And if it is, that’s great. Who doesn’t love a special treat?
But while in deep grief, self-care is about things like: did I shower, have I gotten some sun and fresh air, have I drank water? It might even be, I’m letting myself wear my favorite cozy pajama pants while I binge a new show for 24 hours. Have I set boundaries if needed with people in my life. Literally the basics of living and surviving.
Maybe I’ll call it my wellness meter instead for now. It’s good to even visualize the wellness meter. If your meter is running low, you need to pour into it; nurture a plant, set some boundaries with unhelpful people, or take a short walk. Maybe smell some beautiful flowers or watch a sunset.
Of course, a mani/pedi, massage, or a vacation are great ideas too. But if you can’t muster up the energy for the big stuff, the small stuff matters significantly and will raise your wellness meter too!
In grief, wellness is about survival and finding things that can reduce extreme stress and ease suffering.
‘Moving On’
Oof, this one is hard to even type. The world wants us to move on. Grief is uncomfortable for other people. Hell, it’s uncomfortable for us! But simply the thought of moving on from grief is like a grief itself.
When you are mourning someone so important, you’re cultivating what the relationship looks like now. Grief itself becomes ingrained in that, almost inherently. Moving on from it would mean we’re done and “over it”. Clearly, that isn’t going to happen. As grief evolves and days continue to pass, the hope is that the pain and sadness become less like the star of the show and that love emerges as the real leading character.
“Moving on” from grief isn’t a thing. The mere thought of it can make us want to stay put in grief to somehow prove loyalty. What we do is “move forward” with it. We carry it for a lifetime just like we do love.
“Time Heals All Wounds”
Time can do some stuff but it doesn’t heal the wound of grief like some miracle salve. Time can help lessen the intensity of the pain and with each passing day, we can figure out what this new everyday is going to look like.
But there is something really important that I think time does do. Time proves. It proves that if we go to work or school and can function, it doesn’t mean grief is over. It proves that if we laugh then feel guilty for having a moment of joy, it did not negate grief. Next time an authentic smile or belly laugh happens, your mind remembers it’s ok to enjoy that moment – we’re not betraying grief.
Time proves that the love that remains after losing someone so significant cannot dwindle or disappear. Time proves that we’ll always talk about them, think about them, and say their name. It proves that resiliency does not mean being “over” grief.
It’s common to feel like time in grief is widening the gap between love and healing. But love is part of the healing. Like magnets. Time can’t pull apart something that is so attached.
I’m releasing myself from the shackles of these old clichés because, to me, they serve no good purpose. I can beat myself up very well on my own, I don’t need a few catchphrases joining in. Embracing a different perspective and reframing these thoughts allows my mind to start to find some clarity and understanding in my own unique grief journey.
