We’ve talked about guilt being a bully and how to slowly try to ease it’s weight. But why does it persist? Even when you try your hardest, it seems that pet loss guilt often sticks around relentlessly. 

Like an annoying little gremlin. 

By definition, a gremlin is a mischievous creature known for causing trouble in a sneaky way. 

That tracks. The guilt gremlins have a purpose. To make you feel worse than you already do. 

And, once you can move past one layer of guilt, the next is waiting in the wings. We kind of already knew that gremlins multiply, right?

These gremlins need to be exposed for the no-good monsters they are.

You Failed At So Much

Self judgment seems to be something many of us are really good at. In grief, it’s amplified. 

Failed at keeping them safe or seeing signs of illness. Failed at choosing the right treatments. Failed at doing what was best for them. Failed at being a good pet parent in general. 

Harshly criticizing yourself can lead to anxiety and depression – things that grief can also lead to, so a bit of a double whammy.  

But why do we do it? There is such a thin line between self judgment and constructively criticizing yourself that it easily gets blurry. And grief can make things feel very black and white. “I failed and can’t undo it”. 

But life isn’t that linear or clear. Wishing you could redo things or had more time to properly make decisions or acted differently, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re human.

Try to remember this little exercise. If you said the same things to your dearest friend that you’re saying to yourself, would they still want to be friends with you? 

You Didn’t Appreciate Every Moment

Regardless of how long you get to spend with your beloved furry family member, it goes by so fast.

One day you’re welcoming them into your life and home, going through ups and downs and life experiences together. The next thing you know, you’re facing a world without them. Time is certainly a thief.

There is a natural longing to wish you had savored every moment a little more. Really soaked every second in so that it lasts the rest of your life. 

Consider challenging this gremlin a bit. Did you really not appreciate it? All the good times, memories, and the photos you have probably prove otherwise. You were present. They were present. And you both loved with all your heart.

That love and connection you shared, and continue to, is proof of appreciation. It’s the receipt.

And you know what? You can appreciate it now too. It’s not too late to reflect, to feel the indelible mark they’ve left, and to appreciate every moment you spent together. 

You Should’ve Known

This gremlin is a strong one. Hindsight bias, sometimes called the knew-it-all-along phenomenon, tries to convince you that now that you know the ending, you should’ve been able to see this coming all along. 

For instance, your pet was very ill and you chose to hospitalize for some days in hopes the treatment gave them more time. If it didn’t play out that way, hindsight bias convinces you that you should’ve known that would happen and you made the wrong decision.

The truth is, you made a heartfelt decision with the information and guidance you had along the way.

Another for instance. You were out walking along a secluded lake you’ve walked along for several years and your dog got bit by a snake. Hindsight bias says “you should’ve predicted that snake would be right where he ran to”.

But how? History had actually proved otherwise and you were just being human and doing your normal thing. 

This gremlin, while strong, is also kind of easy to spot when pointed out. 

Hindsight bias forgets the part of life where random things (good and bad) can happen and that ultimately we don’t have control over many aspects of life and death.

If You Feel Happy, You’re Disloyal

Joy guilt. Possibly the meanest gremlin.

This little beast convinces you that unrelenting anguish and lack of joy in life is the primary proof that you still love and are loyal to your pet who has passed.

If you share a smile or laugh with someone or even consider doing something fun, this guy (or girl) is front and center to point out the obvious. You’re experiencing joy in a world without your loved one, and that must mean that you must be a terrible person. 

You need to fend this one off with a big stick. Humans are complex. We often experience two or more emotions at once. We can be both grieving and joyful. Actually, doing so is quite literally how we start to function again. 

It takes practice to prove that happiness does not cancel grief. But once you experience this, you may feel life shift a bit. Grief and joy can exist together and you’re not a terrible person for enjoying parts of life while you’re missing your pet.

You’re Grieving Too Fast (or Too Slow)

Other people and their opinions do a good enough job on this one, you really don’t need a monster in your ear as well. 

There’s not a too fast or too slow in grief. Your speed is your speed.

Self judgment, or judgment from others, definitely doesn’t change the pace. There are so many unpredictable twists, turns and pauses in grief; the key is to simply trust the pace and process. 

This gremlin is a bully who likes to compare. Compare you to others and to what you think you know about grief. But your journey is as unique and individual as your fingerprint is. Comparison undermines the healing process.

You’re doing grief right. How fast you travel through is inconsequential. 

You Don’t Deserve To, Or Can’t, Love Again

There can be a lot to unpack here. Maybe your brain gremlin wants you to think you messed up so much that you don’t deserve another furry family member.

Maybe you’re convinced that your heart is only meant to love once and you will prove to the world. 

Or maybe you think you could never survive grief again and the only way to never grieve is to never love.

Human beings are meant to live in both love and in loss. We’re built for it. Though you might not be able to see or feel your resiliency, it’s there. 

This gremlin needs to be talked nicely to and then it can take a hike. 

It’s possible that you can’t envision loving again, and that’s ok right now. But when you leave the door cracked open so the gremlin can leave, you also allow a sliver of light in. 

Giving love to another at some point in life is not a betrayal, although this jerk of a gremlin wants you to think it is. 

Experiencing once-in-a-lifetime love can make you think that’s it for you. But that’s how the lottery usually works, not love. 

And remember – hearts are not hard drives. Nothing gets overwritten.

Once you see your gremlins for who and what they are, they’re easier to fend off. From everything we learned in 1984 about gremlins, direct sunlight will immediately kill them. 

What does your gremlin look like? Draw him or her out, under the basking heat of three suns, to ward them off once and for all.