Grief after pet loss is a journey, and a messy one at that. Even if you’ve experienced loss before, this grief is unique, and your pet loss survival mechanisms will be too.

For many grieving pet parents, moving through the loss can seem impossible when you feel mired in grief quicksand. 

The truth is you won’t have all the answers. And definitely not all at once. Survival is key in the beginning. Actually, in the middle and as grief evolves, too. But as you start to hone your grief survival skills, they become more familiar.

Once you’re in survival mode and doing it, you can slowly start to create your own grief road map.

Lean into these pet loss survival needs. They will become stepping stones for healing in grief.

Patience

Pet loss is painful, uncomfortable, anxiety provoking and deeply sad. It’s natural to want to avoid or run from all of those emotions. But in grief, running is counterproductive because the pain will keep up with you. Always just a step behind.

Grief is like getting from one side of a giant mountain to the other side, but you have to dig your way right through the middle. With a little spoon.

Patience is a kindness that you can give grief and give yourself. Sometimes the hurt can seem too much to bear and you just want to rush through it. But, as it turns out, you don’t get any rewards for speediness. 

Being patient with grief allows for a gradual absorption and adjustment while you find your way through the darkness.

Self Compassion

This can be a tough one, but it’s so important. Deep down inside of you, there is a compassionate inner voice. Find it. Become familiar with it. Invite it in for tea. 

Does finding self compassion mean you stop beating yourself up? Probably not. Humans seem to be born skilled in the art of being tough on ourselves.

But when you find your inner compassionate voice, it sticks up for you. It shows up when you’re feeling vulnerable and alone. It can become a really good friend in grief.

Give yourself the same level of kindness and compassion you give others. You deserve it.

If your brain is in this space – “Gosh, I really just sucked at my job today. I’m probably going to get fired”, try a different approach. “I woke up with 50% of myself to give to work today and I gave it all. That means I gave 100% of what I had. I’m more resilient than I realized.”

Self compassion takes a bit of practice but goes a really long way. There is a high rate of return on the investment into you and your mental health.

Learning tools

I firmly believe that grief is like a new subject that we don’t know much about but are expected to be good at.

If you want to (need to, in the case of grief) learn an entirely new subject, you’re going to need some learning tools. Books, articles, exercises, peers, teachers. And top it off with an open mind and desire to want to learn. 

Just like learning anything new, take it slow. Build a foundation. Beginning to learn about grief and why pet loss is so significant means beginning to understand it. And, hopefully, when something is more understandable, it starts to become more manageable. 

Notice which learning tools work best for you. 

Do you like reading or is listening to books or podcasts more your thing? Do you prefer to have an intentional exercise to work on or is it easier to have a study hall period, when you can pick whatever you want to work on based on your needs that day?

Keep in mind that while grief will be a perpetual learning experience, your learning style may evolve and change. That’s normal and okay. You don’t learn the same way as a freshman as you do a senior.  

Movement

Movement is an often overlooked but essential need in grief. But why is it a big deal when you just want to park it on the couch 24/7? 

In any form, movement can get those feel-good endorphins going. When you’re experiencing something that is emotionally and physically taxing, movement helps lighten the load. A little. But a little is better than nothing. 

Movement can offer moments of distraction as well as quiet times to reflect and be very present in the moment. It can help you feel more connected to yourself. It can help you sleep. 

Movement helps make you feel human again. 

Walking, cooking, showering, yoga, stretching, foam rolling, tapping, exploring nature. Moving your body feels like doing something active with your grief and for yourself in grief.

Healthy Support

Notice that the heading doesn’t just say “support”. Although many people in life would like to think they are really good at supporting someone who is grieving, there are very few who actually are. 

People are hardwired to be fixers and want to be the person who can fix your grief. The hero of your story. But you’re not broken, don’t need fixing, and you are the hero of your own story. 

Seek out people who are comfortable with just being present with you, even in sad times. Surprisingly, these people are often those you met because of your grief. Fellow grievers or those who have been through pet loss. 

People who won’t say, “Just get another one”. And then call it done. 

The circle of healthy support can be quite small and tight knit. But that’s ok. Cocoons are tight too, but they do the job perfectly.

Motivation

Motivation in grief is easier said than done and it’s probably not something you’ll have from day one. 

Grief is work and normally when you work at something it’s something you want to be good at. So working at grief can be tough. But it’s worth it. 

Grief motivation might start out as, “I’m not sure how to possibly heal through this, but I know I want to”. That’s a great start. You aren’t expected to have all the answers from day one. 

In fact all the other grief needs we’ve talked about funnel into motivation.

Patience and self compassion while you find a desire to want to heal. Discovering learning tools that help you figure out what types of mourning activities and coping mechanisms work best for you. Staying physically active to literally keep you going. And finding support so you know that deep grief is normal. 

It all pours into the motivation that you can do this. That healing is not the same as forgetting and that grief exists only where love came first.